Elena Bosch It was almost a year and a half after my son was born. I was experiencing crippling anxiety every morning before work, at work, after work and even weekends. It always hit my chest first, then slowly spread up my shoulders, through my arms and to my fingers, leaving my hands trembling and my lungs gasping. My stomach would ache, my knees would get wobbly and I knew I would need to sit down to breathe.
One morning, I didn’t sit down soon enough and there, on the living room floor, I fell right in front of my husband and toddler son, to the ground, and couldn’t get up.
My husband knew I had been fighting a panic attack that morning. Earlier, across the bed in our room he asked, “Are you going to be ok?” I nodded yes. Quietly and uncharacteristically I said, “Yeah, I think so.”
He replied, “Are you sure? Do you need me to stay home from work today?”
I responded, “No. I will be ok.”
We both got ready for work like any other morning. I came down the stairs and as my feet hit the floor of our living room, there it was again. Anxiety so stubborn, this time I couldn’t fight it. My heart sped up, the room started to spin, I lost my balance and there I was on the floor, unable to move, or speak, or breathe.
I didn’t go to work that day. In fact, I never went back to that job. I went to my general practitioner’s office instead. My husband brought me in and I fought back tears but they came flooding down my cheeks. My doctor held me tight. She explained I was not alone and she had only wished I had come in sooner. I was put on a leave of absence.
It was the last straw. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and general anxiety disorder, exacerbated by postpartum mood disorder. I started rigorous one-on-one therapy immediately and had more regular follow-ups with my GP. I also fired my OBGYN.
You see, my diagnosis a year and a half later should have happened much earlier. My OB at the time ignored the signs. I had a traumatic birth, resulting in several invasive procedures to correct tearing from my first birth. I had an unsupportive birth team who refused to explain what happened during my birth.
And I had an OB who denied that I had symptoms of postpartum depression, even after my son’s pediatrician, several lactation consultants, doulas and even a licenced family therapist advised I seek help. I finally took matters into my own hands and started going to a new mom’s circle but it wasn’t enough to tackle the trauma I had endured. That morning proved fateful as the unchecked trauma caught up to me.
I’m not sure why it took me so long to make an appointment with my general practitioner. I think sometimes, I just really wanted the validation from my OB that I know now, I will never receive. I think as new moms, we’re flooded with messages from our own OB and birth team that they’re all we need to have a healthy and safe pregnancy and birth, and that’s just not always true.
Through many sessions with maternal health therapists (yes, I saw more than one), physical therapists, doulas and midwives, I was able to receive the validation I knew I deserved. That what I endured during my first birth was not only traumatic, but unnecessary, negligent and led to my diagnoses.
Today, as I write this, I’m still filled with anxiety but I can overcome it knowing that I am ok. I was able to birth my second child, a daughter, vaginally with minimal tearing, thanks to a wonderful birth team that helped me feel safe, encouraged me to make informed choices and helped me feel that validation I longed for.
For some of you, that might be TMI. But I know out there, there’s a mom, many moms, who might be filled with that same unhealed trauma from a birth injury, miscarriage, child loss, infertility or time spent in the NICU. You want to share every detail but you’re afraid. It’s ok.
I want you to know, that pain is real. That trauma is real. And you deserve to heal. You deserve to be surrounded by the best OBs, midwives, licensed therapists, physical therapists, counselors, doulas, friends and family that this world offers.
This mother’s day might come especially hard for you. I know it comes hard for me every year. My welcome banner into motherhood didn’t come with natural motherhood instincts, instagram-worthy mother-son photos or mommy and me classes. It came with anxiety, and terror, and pain, and uncertainty, and fear.
That doesn’t have to be your experience. There is help. You deserve to heal from your trauma. You don’t deserve to feel alone or unloved. You are loved. And I’m right here if you ever need to talk or need a resource for your maternal health.
To all my healing mothers this mother’s day, I hope you find peace. Even when you revisit the pain.
If you’re a mom, experiencing a mental health crisis, please seek help.
Find resources at: https://www.nichd.nih.gov/ncmhep/initiatives/moms-mental-health-matters/find-help
